DougSaidWhat's Xanga

This is a little bit embarassing ...

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 14:10:48 GMT

I'm sitting in the living room all by myself. Tears are flowing because I'm laughing so hard.

I've read all these before, but my father-in-law sent these over to me this morning and they just made me laugh uncontrollably (in fact they are still making me laugh).

So, I'm sure you've seen these before, but here you go: (I hope you have as good a laugh as I did)

Enjoy the following bloopers from church bulletins.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery down stairs.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

Thursday night: Potluck Supper - Prayer and medication will follow.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The agenda was adopted...the minutes were approved... the financial secretary gave a grief report.

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Missionary from Africa speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Name: Bertha Belch. Announcement: Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa".

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals".

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.

Church sign: Jesus Saves! Safeway sign across the street: Safeway saves you more!

This one I said myself during the congregational prayer when leading prayer for our unsaved loved ones: Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.

I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.

On a church postcard: I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would like a personal call.

brought back some good memories

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 15:02:27 GMT

V is for victory

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 11:18:48 GMT

This past Sunday I was really, really trying to pay attention during church. It wasn't our senior pastor ... so it didn't really count ... and the guy was rather boring. He reminds me of the speakers we heard at PCC.

Which reminded me of my days at PCC and all the things I worked on while there.

The dramatic V.

Four years. I spent four years working on perfecting a system which I have never used again.

It makes me laugh.

Although I am pretty good at the whole aesthetic distance thing. My students still get thrown off by that.

Maybe I should start teaching drivers ed on the V. Maybe with an accent.

our lambs are getting very cold

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 14:21:11 GMT

Let me check the calendar. Yep. March 28th. That's what I thought.

There's about five or six inches of snow outside (big sigh of relief ... it isn't inside - that's always awkward).

Isn't March supposed to come in like a lion and out like a lamb?

All the kids in our county got an early jump on spring break. Today was their last day of school ... except no one had school.

I'm envious of all those people who wisely bought plane tickets for someplace warmer.

As punishment for this weather, I hope their flights are delayed for an hour or two. Then they can go enjoy themselves.

Feed a cold, starve a fever, and watch lots of movies ...

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 12:25:00 GMT

I even went to the doctor. I never go to the doctor unless I'm dying or my throat hurts like hell (so far it's only been for the latter). But I went based on the recommendation of those around me who were recovering from the terrible bronchitis. And the doctor gave me nothing but a smile and a pat on the back. Go home and rest.

Anyway, that point when you get to go home and lay in a dark room with nothing else to do but rest - that's the best. Even if you feel like crappy crap, it still feels good to know: this is all I can do right now. No one expects anything more from me. I just have to lay here.

I watched three movies this weekend. Each will get a small comment.

Into the Wild. This is the first one I saw and frankly I was frustrated that Sean Penn decided to take up 2 hours and 47 minutes of my life with a movie that probably could have been contained in 90 minutes. I got very tired of the selfish idealism which rudely looked at the rest of the world with an overly superior viewpoint. The boy is just like his father - he just doesn't want to admit it. His father has a wrecked marriage with his wife (which he somehow stubbornly doesn't let go of and never gets any credit for). The boy has a one sided marriage with the wilderness which he abuses and then gives up on once it gets difficult. Yet the whole time we are meant to hate the father. Oh, and the opening scene with the words flashing across the screen reminded me of a powerpoint presentation ... very tacky.

I didn't mind when this movie ended.

The War. This is the second movie I watched. Hardly worth commenting on. The two things I noticed were that Jet Li is starting to get old (I wonder if all of a sudden we'll notice he's 60 or something). It's sad to see Jackie Chan and Steven Seagall still trying to make the movies of their youth. Slow motion doesn't really impress anyone anymore. Secondly, Jet Li has quite the deal in his movies. Okay, in this movie we'll have Jet Li be sullen and quiet. In this movie we'll have Jet Li be mute. In this movie we'll have Jet Li be arrogant and quiet. The man never talks.

I also didn't mind when this movie ended.

Gone Baby Gone. I watched this one last night. I'm glad Karen didn't watch it with me. She probably would have hated me for suggesting it. I hated myself for picking it up. But at the same time I couldn't let it go. I thought Ben Affleck directed a very thoughtful movie. It did it's job. And the character line-up was fascinating. I'm glad he sat down on the couch in the last scene. The movie needed some relief at the end.

When this movie ended I went in and hugged my little 3 year old. She was sleeping on her back, both knees up, snoring up a storm.

stuff that scares me ...

Tue, 18 Mar 2008 13:46:08 GMT

1. Kids who look over their right shoulder to check their blind spot when they're doing a lane change to the left.

2. Kids who don't realize that turning off the turn signal doesn't always require turning the steering wheel.

That last one scared the crap out of me. We were driving down a road practicing lane changes. The kid does one lane change and it goes pretty smoothly. We're driving down the new lane and all of a sudden he starts jerking the wheel back and forth - very violently. I thought he'd lost his sanity or something and I was getting ready to take over. And then I realized that all he was doing was trying to get the turn signal to turn off.

Ohhh! We just lift the lever. Well that's alot easier!

How am I supposed to carry on a normal conversation with this kid after he does something like that?

Friday, March 07, 2008

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 14:11:00 GMT

So we've been working with Katie on the intricacies of knock-knock jokes.

She's got the "orange" one down (her personal favorite). You know the one where you say "orange you glad I didn't say banana?" That's always good for a laugh. Great crowd pleaser.

But we're trying to expand her repertoire. One way is to do the:

"Knock-Knock."

"Who's there?"

"Katie."

"Katie who?"

"Don't you know who Katie is?"

Get's me every time! And then she can expand that out to just about every important person in her life. And she will for a while ... but then she starts adding in inanimate objects ... like an orange. And then I have to admit that I don't really know who an orange is.

I don't think any of us do.

But at least we can be glad she didn't say banana.

for all my fans

Fri, 07 Mar 2008 13:46:42 GMT

I think it shoud be pointed out that our house is very cold ... even according to my standards. This is bad news for my wife, who would prefer the house be kept at 72 degrees. Actually, it isn't even the whole house. Half the house stays warm and the other half struggles to maintain 60.

Our bedroom happens to be in the cold side of the house. I like sleeping in the cold. My wife burrows into the darkness of fifteen blankets.

But, like I said, our house is cold. So, to remedy the problem, we typically run a space heater in our bedroom. It works pretty well at cutting back at the cold. But I think the reason I like it best is the consistent fan.

There's nothing better then falling asleep with a fan in the room. Even when we don't have the space heater on we run another fan and we also have the baby monitor so we can hear if Kate's happy or sad or sleeping.

Last night our space heater decided it wasn't going to work. The room felt deadly silent.

Too quiet. But I made it. I know you're relieved.

Here's to the fans. Without you I'd have never made it.

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 14:31:28 GMT

I'm, taking a color photography class this semester. My professor just announced that the details for our next assignment would be posted online. This is not a new idea (I know), but he announced it as if this was his great effort to save the environment.

If we as a college are so concerned about saving the environment, what about the 30 I-Macs they have in this room alone? They aren't all being used ... but they are all on. In this building there are probably close to 300 I-Macs, each costing (on the low side) about $1500. And they are all on right now.

Great. In this room we've spent $45000 to avoid printing 5 cent sheets of paper.

Fantastic convservation effort. The five minute explanation on his part was very, very necessary. And very, very appreciated.

Although, most of the things he says are pointless.

zero

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 16:27:19 GMT

that's how many new cavities I have. (so maybe my previous theory isn't correct ... unless they're just biding their time)

But I do have to have my lower wisdom teeth pulled.

That's another $500. And its not like flossing or brushing more will fix that problem.

I should have dealt with this when I was at Jackson-Dawson and made them pay for it.

When the dentist tells you that it probably shouldn't hurt ... are we supposed to believe them? Do the dentists just live in some parallel universe that has an exceptionally high tolerance for pain? You're taking something out of my mouth that really wants to be there. I think it's going to hurt.

When they're doing the measuring of your gums, isn't that a dramatic moment? They've got that little probe and they're going from tooth to tooth, quoting a number. It kind of reminds me of the judges reading off the scores at the end of figure skating when the skaters are sitting in that little glass booth trying to catch their breath. Whenever I get a "one" I just want to pump my fist in the air and do a little celebration. Twos are great. Threes acceptable. Fours make me nervous. Fives ... don't get me started.

My hygeniest told me that I have a small mouth. I don't know if that's an insult or not (maybe in the dentistry world its a freakish thing). Or maybe it's her way of trying to make conversation. I love conversations at the dentists, although they are a bit one sided. I always have some clever thing to say and then can't because she's got fifteen ice picks in my mouth. I used to go to a dentist that would remove the impliments from my mouth so I could answer her questions (I think she really thought I was there to talk to her). I prefer a dentist that feels comfortable answering her own questions based upon what she presumes I would say. I find those to be the most interesting conversations.

I'm supposed to tell you: start flossing a little bit more. I know it's uncomfortable and it takes awhile ... but just start doing it a few times a week. It can really help offset your bone loss. Or, don't ... and suffer the consequences of a mouth with no teeth! Because that's what we'll do! IF YOU DON'T START FLOSSING WE'LL RIP YOUR TEETH OUT IN SIX MONTHS! But, no pressure.

Did you need a new toothbrush?